What is it about church pews, hunger pains, and poots? If you've ever attended church more than a few times, or if you've sat through a long funeral service, I bet you have had some digestive discomfort. It seems like every time I attend a funeral service, sooner or later my stomach is going to suddenly become aware that it is feeding time, even if I ate prior to to leaving home. The growl emanating from my belly is never subtle, and I always know it is coming. As tightly as I can scrunch up my stomach muscles, and no matter how much I bend over to try to stifle some of the sound, it still roars through my guts, vibrates through my buttocks, and resonates all the way up and down the wooden pew, even if the seat has some of the skimpy foam padding. Suddenly two-hundred heads twist around and four-hundred eyeballs are boring into my reddening face, some with amusement, some with disbelief, and some with contempt. The hell of it is, the sound of an empty stomach and the roar of some good farts are nearly indistinguishable, so I immediately know that everyone is thinking that I've shit myself. No damn place to hide. Even worse are the real gas bombs; especially on a Sunday morning after having eaten at Billy Bob's Bait Shop and Barbecue Emporium the night before, and having washed down my nutritious supper with a few Buds; beer farts laced with barbecued pig and jalapeno peppers are notoriously explosive and aromatic. Just as the preacher winds down his oratory and begins offering a final prayer of the morning for the sick and shut-ins, the pig in my gut utters one squeal after another, and those internal messages of distress all wind up pushing against my sphincter muscle which is already tired from an entire night of entertaining my bed partner. Just as I get up to go to the bathroom, all hell breaks loose and up pops two-hundred heads before the amens are said, and into my face again bores the amusement or contempt of four-hundred eyeballs. All I can do is grab the seat of my pants before I really do crap my bloomers, mutter some excuse me's as I squirm past my fellow pew sitters, and flee to the pot as fast as possible while trying to keep and air of dignity.
Now you know why I don't go to church.
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Yesterday's title quote is from the movie K-Pax.
5 comments:
Too funny Ken. Had me laughing out loud.
Now the Christians would say that is why you need to go to church.
Oh, my friend, I'm sorry that you have such health problems. Eventually, your stomach suffers, and your soul either.
Warsaw churches are usually opened the whole day. In any time you can be here and pray, or simply sit in a silence and talk to HIM (God) or your own thoughts.
The churches in Warsaw (usually baroque) are beautiful, and if you enter them you feel that you are in a special zone which we call using Latin word: sacrum (Is it an English synonym?).
The grey background is much better than this previous black one. Thanks, that you changed it.
It's good to return to your blog after a week break (you know that I’m so busy on the weekdays).
I love what you wrote about trees (forest call), and the photo you added to this text is really wonderful. It's ART, my friend. It's ART.
(I love trees because of their beauty; unfortunately trees are poor, because if people want to cut them, they can't escape).
Have a wonderful weekend. :-)
~ xoxoxo
Thanks, Mark.
You are probably right. :-)
This was just a fictional generalization, Jola. :-)
I would love to visit some of the Warsaw churches, even a non-believer like me can find some spiritual peace in a church. I think the English word for sacrum would be "sacred". :-)
Thanks for the ART encouragement. I love flattery. ;-)
Yes, trees are pretty defenceless against we humans, but I bet that when we are gone from this world, tress will still be going about their business. :-)
You have a great weekend, dear friend. :-)
You - non-believer - can find some spiritual peace in a church, me - Catholic - can understand sarcasm of your post. "Views of pews" is a brilliant text. I appreciate that it is the fictional generalization.:-)
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