"The survey says ..."

Sammy Bunny

The following conversation would have been funnier if I was telling it just after it happened which was mid-1980s. My friend Steve–Bro Hill–and I were sitting in my living room drinking beer and playing Atari; we were actually pretty bored. Later, I made a few notes about the happenings and from them I give you this telephone conversation. Be aware, it did not happen exactly like this and some of the conversation is slightly altered and I cannot remember all of it, but the fact is that it did happen.
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Ring-g-g-g-g!
“Hello?”
“Good evening sir; I am Lori and I am calling from Johnson City Specialty Hospital. We are taking a short survey of area residents to see how they use our hospital. Would you be interested in answering a few questions for us?”
Lori sounded like a very young woman. “Hi Lorie and I don’t mind at all; this is from the new maternity hospital, right?”
“Yes sir, I am happy you have heard of us. Could you tell me how you came to know about the hospital and its services?”
“I’ve heard the radio ads and read an article in the paper about it. It is located where the eye hospital used to be, I think.”
“You are correct, sir. We renovated the eye hospital and it now serves the community for other purposes. May I ask if your wife is present?”
“Sure you may but my wife isn’t here right now.”
Ok, sir, I will just ask you a few short questions if you don’t mind.”
“Sure.”
“You say you are married; is that correct.”
“No, I am not married.”
“But you just said your wife isn’t presently at home?”
“That is correct; he is not home right now but I expect him at any moment.”
Pause … “Your wife is a man?”
Me chuckle … “Yes, my wife is a man and his wife is a man; also, we both have husbands.”
In the background I could hear the young caller saying to someone else “you should hear this!” That meant I had an audience so it was time to put on my best show. Luckily, Bro Hill came in just before the conversation began and I winked at him and whispered to him to be ready. I heard several clicks on the line as other people where Lori worked began eavesdropping on our conservation and at the same time Bro Hill was listening on my extension phone.
“I better explain, Lori. Steve is my wife and I am Steve’s wife; he is also my husband and I am his husband and that is the way we live.” I heard a half-squelched snort and a few giggles come across the line; the snort was Steve’s as he was about to break up laughing. I quickly shushed him.
Lori said “Oh- h-h … I think I see.” I could tell she was still trying to put it all together.
I said “Hold on just a minute, Lori; I hear my wife coming in right now.” Half covering the transmitter with my hand, I said, “Stevie, honey, there’s a young lady on the line taking a survey; would you be kind enough to say hello to her … her name is Lori?”
Says Steve “I sure will , Sweetheart”; he clicked the phone as if he was just picking it up. In his most demure effeminate voice he said, “Hello dear Lori; this is Stevie, Kenny’s partner and lover; we are happy you could call us this evening.”
Lori said, “Um … ah … hello Stevie … it is nice to meet you.”
“The pleasure is all mine, darling,” crooned Bro Hill. “is there anything I can do for you?”
“Ummm, maybe I should ask you the survey questions?”
“Well, either one of us is as well equipped to answer them as is the other, but you began with Kenny and I will let you have him back; please forgive me but I must undress and take a shower. I just came in from work and am not very dainty at the moment. Kiss-kiss, Lori.”
I said to Bro Hill, making sure Lori and friends could hear me, “Stevie honey, give mama a big kiss before you go to the shower.” Steve placed a loud, wet smooch on the back of his hand. More giggles from her end of the line. Steve had to leave the room to laugh.
“I’m back Lori; forgive Stevie for running but he has a thing about his hygiene. Do you have anymore questions for me?”
“Just a few” she said. “If you ever need the services of a specialty hospital, would you consider Johnson City Specialty Hospital?” By now Lori was flustered trying not to laugh every time she said a word.
“Well, I keep telling Stevie we should have a baby and we keep trying, but so far we haven’t been blessed. I sure would be glad to use your hospital; wouldn’t it be so wonderful if he and I both got pregnant at the same time? I bet that would be a “first” for the hospital!” The echoing giggles from across the phone lines broke into outright guffaws and I was wondering how soon someone was going to catch on that they were being shucked.
Lori was now laughing outright; she said “I’m going to finish this survey if it kills me!”
“Just go ahead and ask your questions, honey; I’ll make sure we aren’t interrupted on this end.” I let her hear me slam a door shut.
“It looks like it will be difficult for Stevie or I to ever make use of your hospital, but I tell you what Lori honey, if you will come over to my house sometime when Stevie is at work, I will try to fix you up to where you can use it. I bet you will even get a discount because you work there. You do work there, don’t you?”
“Oh, my god!,” she said. The uncontrolled laughing was coming from her and her entire crew. “Yes, I work here; I am a nurse in training. I will have to take a rain check on your offer and my supervisor who has been listening in says to tell you we all appreciate the entertainment but to please use someone else’s hospital if you get pregnant. Goodbye, sir.” She was still laughing.
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Have a good pre-Friday 13th, y’all!
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