Elderly Driver Problem Resolved

Everyone under the age of 60 knows that we "seniors" are a terror on the streets. To those youngsters, all we do is create problems for all the "good" drivers, in other words, them. If we're not slow-poking around at the speed limit or less in our Buicks and Mercurys, we are causing accidents in other ways, such as not seeing red lights and stop/yield signs. Of course this leads to, at a minimum, head shaking and hand gestures on the part of our young friends. At times, "road rage" has been known to happen, usually with dire consequences for those involved.

After some hard musing about this predicament, I believe that I have an answer for the problem. First, all people over the age of 60 are to be banned from operating any kind of motorized, self-propelled, or otherwise propelled vehicle outside their homes. No autos, no riding lawn mowers, no airplanes, not even a bicycle.

Second, if they are caught operating any of the above machinery outside their homes, they are to be punished by having all their clothing taken away from them, including shoes, for a period of one year. For that time, they can do whatever they normally to do except operate moving machinery in public or in view of the public, as long as they are completely naked.

Third, if they breach their probation, or after the end of probation, they again attempt to operate a vehicle, the clothing ban will be continued or reinstated for a period of three years. Also, if they are deemed physically able, they will be required to gather trash from along the most traveled highways in their area, and they will be naked. All motorists that drive by while the geezer is gathering said trash, is encouraged to toot the car horn, roll down their windows, and yell "woo, woo" at the offender.

And we don't have to worry about naked males and naked females sneaking into a clump of bushes to play hanky-panky while working together to keep our roadways clean and pay their debt to society. Everyone knows that people over the age of 60 just don't do the sex thing anymore; we're just too blamed old.

Furthermore, we will do the job the way we are told to do it because we don't know any better. Obviously we won't create problems because everyone knows that old people can't remember anything due to creeping degenerative senility, and if we can't remember why we are doing the work, there won't be a rebellion in our ranks. We will be positive roll models.

I believe that this will mostly solve the aggravating problem of elderly drivers. It may sound a little extreme, but such measures are generally called for in extreme situations. The good drivers will have the roads to themselves, and the world will be an eternal springtime.

Of course, these offended young people should consider the fact that they will probably reach the age of 60 and beyond, and my-oh-my, how time flies. They could be the next generation getting the "woo-woos" from the "youngsters".

Copyright 2006 by Ken Anderson